It’s been quite some time since I last posted and I am
surprised it took this long! I suddenly thought about what could have stopped
me from writing a single post, since most of what I wrote are just some of my
experiences in life. Or , when I feel especially creative.
Normally, it would
have been too easy for me to create one. But lately, trying to start the first
few sentences became a challenge for me. I seemed to have forgotten my subjects
and predicates.
I realized I had
nothing special to write. My life is boring!
And I was suffering from a severe case of writer’s block.
Or worse, creativity
drought!
I have been plagued with a lot of uncertainty, of low
self-esteem. Years after gaining back
the self-confidence I lost, I feel like I am back to where I was once
before.
I started doubting myself again.
Am I starting to feel depressed once more? Or had I entered
into that other phase of bipolarity? Although I was not diagnosed as bipolar, I
had already started my clinical assessment. Because I was seen to have some
symptoms of it, I presumed to be suffering from it.
There are different types of Bipolars, with different amount of extremities. Bipolars may not only have mood swings that spans in a day, but in some cases , the mood changes can span in months. It could be six months of depressive mood, and then six months of manic mood, or vice-versa. And not necessarily the same number of months, it could be years. Nothing can really gauge it.
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| Photo: pixabay |
When in the depressive mood, you feel like you are melancholic,
unproductive, idle and uncreative. All
those negative beliefs about yourself comes out. You become a pessimist.
Socializing can be so daunting and getting out of bed is a challenge.
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| Photo: Pixabay |
When the manic mood on, you feel like a superhero, you could
do anything. You are super creative at work, so happy, go on spending sprees
and other things which are way above what you would normally do. You become so productive it could make you
lose focus of things you want to do. I tend to multitask, and eventually not
able to finish something.
That’s confusing to the people around you!
And there is no switch that you can pull when you want to be
on a particular side of the moods.
But, thanks to a recent national event that gave me the
feels. It sort of ignited something deep inside me and all of a sudden, l had an
outpouring of these feelings, the emotions came out. It sort of broke the rut that I was in. I was finally free from
months of torture of not being able to do what I loved to do.
To live not just for others, but live most
especially for me.
It’s past midnight and I am still wide awake. The words just seem to float in my mind and I need to write them down now, because if I don’t, I will forget about all about it tomorrow. That’s for sure.
Am I now entering into the other phase of my presumptive
bipolarity? If so, then many good things can happen. And I can make them
happen.
I see myself spreading my wings once more, write more, love
more, live more. And I am getting excited every day.
Life is beautiful, if
you have not said it yet, say it now.
Because it is beautiful!
And it is more beautiful when you can see it from both sides
of your mind’s polarity.
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